His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
