so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize