the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
