I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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