a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
