I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
