My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
