quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
