I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
