i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize