he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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