I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
