I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
only you would photoshop your dick
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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