Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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