This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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