happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
