um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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