Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
