In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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