he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
