Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Quick, to the slutcave!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Come share oat with me in your robe
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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