he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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