So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
