how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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