Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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