Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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