literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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