Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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