based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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