so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
