When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
