You made me cry and you don't even care
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
try to milk me bitch
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