the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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