don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
