You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
