Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
honey bunches of taint.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
