Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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