We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
