She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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