He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I love having hate sex.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
