I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
