I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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