I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
