I just pynch a tree in the face
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
