I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
