Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
