how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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