He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
