I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
where does the pee come out of this thing
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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