i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
