Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
