I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
