all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
