i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
