I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
