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So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
