Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize