I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
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I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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